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Best of 2010: The Many Walks of Shoppers

Based on personal experience -two whole weeks to be exact- here are some types of shoppers I have encountered while selling on the hardwood, retail floor.Hint: Imagine yourself as a retail worker when I say “you”… but don’t imagine it for too long. You’ll become very envious of my job. Ha ha ha! Sike!

1. The Don’t Look, Don’t Speak, Don’t Bother Me Shopper

This shopper enters the store looking at the ground or fishing through their purse. When you give them the slightest hint of hello they whip out their phone or turn the other way- maybe touch a nearby garment or graze the wall with their hand. They love pretending to be preoccupied and have the I’ll-do-everything-myself-please-and-thanks attitude.You wonder if they have any friends.

2. The I Wanna Be Best Friends Shopper

A personal favorite of mine. This shopper wants you to roll up your sleeves with them and dig through the sale items. They want to talk politics, critique new films, and get advice on how to potty train their dog. You find yourself in a gut-wrenching laugh (to the point of “quiet laughing”) and soon you’re wondering if you are actually at work. They inform you that they want to take this acquaintance further and meet up outside of the retail store. They whine when you can’t be the one to ring them up, and as they leave they holler that they will come back to see you, and probably only you.

3. The I Am NEVER Pleased Shopper

Blah!!! If you are this shopper then please stay out of my store. This shopper keeps you running around the store pulling crap off hangers. Soon you find yourself with a massive pile hanging over your left shoulder. It becomes so large that you can physically hear other workers ask “Hey, where did Kiersten go?” This shopper has a specific item in mind, and if it isn’t exactly what they want- and I’m talking every. last. thread.- then FORGET it!!! They explain it to you so thoroughly that you actually begin to feel dumb. “B-B-B-LLLUUUUEEEEE…. you know what blue is right?” You are not dumb, they are just stubborn pigs.

4. The Held Hostage By Their Mother Shopper

I try to hold back the laughs when I help these peeps out, but it usually escapes as a throat grunt. This shopper is almost always there against their will. When I ask if they need help or what they are looking for, the mother always does the talking. The daughter just rolls her eyes and shoots down any fashion advice the mother gives. After being dragged into the fitting room, the shopper begins to feel euphoria and likes what they see (I admit, mothers are always right). Just like a light switch, they go from naughty to nice. The mother almost always does the buying. Mamma, would this be a good time to apologize for any instance that I have acted so? Rut roh….

5. The I Am So Sketchy It’s Obvious Shopper

This shopper enters the store and immediately their eyes jet around to where all of the employees are located. They want to try on jewelry in the fitting room. Obvious. They mention they are in a hurry and jolt out of the fitting room like a tiger is housed in there. Obvious. When asked how the jewelry worked out they go wide-eyed and tell you that “oh I just left it in there” and on the way out you see them pull it out of their bag and place it back where it belongs. Ob-vi-ous. I can spot one of these shoppers in the first five seconds. These shoppers BEWARE!!! I will hunt you down, then take you down.

Which shopper are you?


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