In case you’ve forgotten, my name is Debbie

I realize that I’ve been very absent from the Bella blog these past few months. And while there’s many excuses that I could give you, like … 1) my life is so very boring compared to all the other contributors or 2) that I’m not nearly as funny in my writing as the other girls OR  3) that I’ve been very busy doing “something”…the sad fact is that I would be lying.

The real reason is fear. {Now comes the self-disclosure part that I know I’m going to regret once I hit the “publish” button.}

Let me give you a little background-which usually means going back to my childhood and assigning “blame” to a well-meaning parent. My very own Mother {whom I love and adore} has the “fear gene” that she passed down to me. And I took that genetic trait and ran with it!

My entire life has been one that centers around fear. Fear of heights. Fear of doing something deemed stupid by others. Fear of going out into public without my makeup on and running into one of the “beautiful people”.  Fear of dying before I get my house completely organized and my ‘to-do” list completed. {Oops, I didn’t mean to get so serious…but hopefully you get the idea.}

But if I were to be completely honest with all of you I’d have to say my biggest fear is letting people know too much about me. I guess that up to this point it’s been too scary to think about giving up the mysterious persona that I hide behind. It also means I’d have to fully commit to jumping on the self-disclosure bandwagon with the other Bella girls. Such a scary thought.

Isn’t that crazy? Especially when I tell you that there are so many other things-{that most people fear doing}- that I do without so much as breaking a sweat. For example, giving a presentation  in front of a group of people-No. Fear. Traveling half way around the world and walking the small streets of foreign countries late into the night-No. Fear.  Getting blood drawn at the lab-No. Fear. Giving birth without an epidural-No. Fear.

Telling you about my air-head mistakes, the insecurities I have about my looks and the funny fights with the hubby-gives me an instant anxiety attack. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. (In fact as I write this my heart rate just shot up to over 110 BPM and my hands and underarms have broken out into a sweat. Hold on while I go take a  1/2 a Xanax and put on some deodorant…)

But today I’m taking the first step in overcoming my fear of self-disclosure. I’m going to share some of the things that make me look human {GASP!} and less than perfect to the outside world. {CHOKE!}

Self disclosure #1:

I love to people watch and make slightly rude  BUT very funny comments about total strangers. I even make up games centered around people watching.  But then I pride myself on being non-judgemental. Guess when I have to choose between being non-judgemental or funny-I choose funny everytime. My bad…

Self disclosure #2:

I’ve had Botox on my forehead and it still looks like a Shar Pei i.e. I still have wrinkles. Again, this is an inherited trait but I’m not sure who to blame! (Note to self: Next time you see Mom and Dad check their foreheads! Then, assign blame…)

(Check out this forehead-it looks very familiar.)

Self-disclosure #3:

Half the pants in my closet don’t fit right now. (Yes, I’m continuing to use the ”my hormones are out of balance”  rationale.) But rather than go up a size I try on pants in “my size” until I find a pair that fits. Can you say denial?

How’s that for self-exposure?  I feel so much better about myself and the new direction I’m taking in order to make the blog a success. {But then again…I haven’t hit the publish button yet.}

So until then, I FEAR that my next big FEAR will be the FEAR I’m going to experience when the disclosure’s remorse sets it.

Arrrgh! Time to take another Xanax?

Debs