About 5 months ago,  Michael {my life partner} came walking into the house after a long day of school with a smug look plastered on his face.  Sitting on our couch, I took one look at  his stupid face, and wondered what would make him come home from 6 hours of school looking so happy. Curious, I asked him why he was smiling so weird and  just standing halfway between our kitchen and living room. Turning towards the front door he crouched down and screeched, “Come Heeerrreeee Baby.” 

       Jumping off the couch like someone shot me, I ran towards the front door.  Clearing the family room and kitchen, I finally had a clear view of our entryway. Not 2 feet from the door, shyly sat a black, Miniature  Schnauzer puppy! Immediately,  I dropped to my knees and following Michael’s example, screeched in the most unsettling voice ever, “Heyyy there cutieeeeee… Come herrrrre. Come herrrrrre. Sweeettieee! Loook at youuuuu RRRRRR eeeekkkkkk.”  As I slowly crawled towards my puppy on all fours, cooing and making embarrassing noises, my dog sat and looked at me like I was a Monster. {Don’t worry-she only acted this way for 3 weeks.}

HOLY cute!

    Anyways back to the point. Piper Roo, formally known as puppy, has been our pride and joy ever since. We recount the funny things she does during the day. We  laugh when she does cute things with her toys, or grunts while she sleeps. We  even let her fall asleep on our bed before moving her to her crate.  All in all, we treat her like a child, and have become THOSE weird dog people.

SO…EVERYTHING HAS BEEN PERFECT UNTIL

      Michael and I were getting ready for some friends to come over, when I noticed something so awful, I get hives thinking about it. Our precious baby (Piper Roo)….. was IN HEAT!!!! Ahhhhhhh. gross. puke. RUN……. Hide! I went bananas. I started screaming for help.  Michael thinking something terrible was happening, ran into the family room frantic. 

      What he found was me, backing away from Piper like she was the freakin bird flu. I had my hand shoved out in front of me, swinging back and forth attempting to ward her off.  Hysterical?  I kept saying something like, “Look between her legs…. Look between her legs.”  Michael being mature and not freaked out by bodily functions, took over and told me to “go google”. Google always calms me down. {If only I had it when I thought I was dying on the floor at the Valley HO. I would have had a diagnosis in 30 seconds} Unfortunately Google confirmed my puppy was going into heat. BARF. She was supposed to get spayed this month too. It was like all the walls in my house were crumbling down around me. I just wanted to pull my hair and scream “WWHHHYYY!”

     I cant handle this kind of stuff, and before you say, “wait until you have kids!” let me explain to you…this is exactly why I dont have  kids. I do not like bodily functions. I do not like to hear about anyones personal hygeine.  I do not like to hear birthing story. I ESPECIALLY do not like to hear about peoples “_ _ _” life. (fill in the blank) So pretty much my dog going into heat -  is my worst fear.

     While I waited for our friends to come over, Michael ran to Walgreen’s to grab some baby diapers. I literally was sick to my stomach about having to explain to our friends- who happen to be MAJOR dog people- that my dog was having the big H. I just kept hearing Bob Barker say in my mind, “Remember folks, get your cats and dogs, Spayed and Neutered!” Feeling like the worst dog owner in the world, I watched our friends walk through the front door towards me and Piper. Kneeling on the floor, with my friends sitting on my couch staring at me I started talking.

    Nervously I said, “You guys I have some horrible news! Promise not to judge me or Michael.” Everyone immediately started shouting out what they thought could be wrong. Their ideas consisted of… “Divorce?” and “You don’t believe in a God anymore.” and my favorite, “I know, you’re not actually wearing that Carrie Underwood shirt tonight!” (I was definitely wearing my hip/sleek Carrie shirt! HELLO… we are best FRIENDS!)

    Solemnly, I explained what was happening to Piper, due to the fact we had waited too long for her to get Spayed. Everyone just stared at my like I was an alien. At first, I realized my worst fear was coming true and they were judging me, but NOPE. Complete opposite. They all said, “Who cares!” and “My dog wasnt spayed for 3 years” and “My dog isn’t even spayed now!” WTH?

     In conclusion, I guess I’m not a terrible dog owner, and Bob Barker won’t hate me because I’m not breeding her, and she is getting spayed the second this heat wave passes.  Even though this last week has been a trial in patience and unconditional love, {gross diaper changes… shiver} I will endure, and everything will be OK.  Until further notice- please check out Piper in her new duds, and pray for me.